Anxious for New Money

There is a position for which I qualify that has been posted via my job's e-mail. I will be applying for this job clandestinely, and will not inform my superiors of my department. I hope that the position offers more money as the raise I recently received does not keep the wolf away from my door. When I met with my Director during my review he was extremely complimentary and said he could only give me but so much of a raise, and then told me I got a 4.5% increase. I just looked at him and blinked. My raise, what my employers call an increase, is not an increase to me because my salary before the increase was a joke. So 4.5% of 0 is essentially 0. I knew that I would not get a double digit raise, but crossed my fingers that I would be pleasantly surprised. And though I know my Director was somewhat sincere and has his hands tied somewhat behind his back, this raise amounts to nothing, and as such I must make moves. My applying for this job within my company will suffice for a first move of what I can be assured will be many in my quest to make enough money to subsist comfortably.

I have to gear myself to be scrutinized from head to toe; assessed to determine if I am good enough for the job, if I am qualified for the job, and will be brow beaten when interviewed, for the job. Essentially when going on job interviews I feel as though I am being judged and compared to all those who are applying for the position. This is a given and somewhat appropriate for the interviewer to do, but none the less, this type of scrutiny causes me angst. I must therefore put on more than my usual game face, and gear up for the challenge of being impressive in my eloquence and my presence. It is a damming exercise in fortitude when applying for a new job as it conjures up, for me, many insecurities, many of which are unfounded. But I will put these insecurities aside as monetary constraints are calling out to me as the victor in my inability to own a home, have money in my pocket, and purchasing groceries.
It's been about a year since my last job intrerview when I picked up part time Christmas seasonal work. It was so challenging for me that when I was done in the interview and told I would be hired, I cried, discreetly, on the bus home as it helped to release the tension that built up during the week before the interview. Job interviews have always proven to be, for me, excrutiatingly draining, though the interviewer would never know it. My game face and demeanor are always tight. However, inside my stomach is usually churning from nervousness. I will apply for this job as it is good to explore the possibilities of higher paying employment. I am comfortable with the duties of my current job, but not with its pay.