I must acquiesce

I am fully ensconced in the dichotomy that is my world. I wake in the morning to hungry children who must be fed, clothed, and loved, and do so with as much love as I have to offer. They are sent off to school and into the world with an internal prayer from me that they learn scholastic and life lessons that will sustain them and help them navigate the world throughout their days with more ease than me. I then prepare for work, and get my game face on.

As I write these words I am feeling ill. I remember the days when I would forge ahead and not think about the ills my body communicated to me via pains and headaches and upset stomachs as I thought youth would always be on my side. I worked and played through the pain. I also gathered coping skills that provided an armor to block stresses that could cause more serious illness. But I am older and I am feeling shooting pains that I know have come about because of stress. And I must take a moment and acquiesce.

I know I don't feel well because I am back to that which has often driven me to run screaming to my vacation destinations. My job, my children, bills, romantic or otherwise personal relationships, unfulfilled dreams, and the pondering of such, has caused me to stress. When returning from vacation, I often abate these stresses for a long period of time, but of late, that period has shortened. It seems the shortening of these periods of bliss correlate to the mounting of stressful situations I find myself enduring. I must learn new coping skills as I am letting things cause me stress. I was always able to have a barrier to stress, it was as if I enveloped myself in an armor that repelled stress. But it seems that armor has been nicked by and has allowed new and improved stresses to seep into what it is protecting, my core, and has affect me physically and the essence that is me. I am stressed.

At work we were told in early August that we would be informed of how much of a raise we would be getting by late August, and that the actual raise would then appear in our first pay in September. Of course, that did not happen, and we have been told we would, most likely, get our raises in October, and that they would be retroactive to September 1st. This is extremely upsetting to me and many of my co-workers. I cannot voice how upset I am to any of the people at my place of employment because it would be unprofessional, and because of this dichotomy, I internalize the financial hardship this issue presents to me, while externally I have on my game face at work. I smile while inside I am angry at not having a raise for almost 4 years while diligently working a thankless job.

This anger derived from all of the aforementioned pressures has manifested itself into headaches. This anger impinges upon not only my physical health but my my mental health. This must stop. I must get an outlet that allows me to think of the positives my life always offers. I have healthy, beautiful children, good friends, a job, albeit not a lucrative one, but a job nonetheless, and relative good health, and a home. But I am stressed. Last year I started taking voice-over classes as I decided to try voice-over work as an occupation, and loved it. I was happy to be doing something that I loved that was creative and could ultimately lead to a cash flow that would allow me to quit a job that I don't feel my bosses respected me for performing per their not giving me a promised raise. I also took acting classes to help me with my voice-over work at the suggestion of my voice coaches. I had an avenue to express my creativity, but it costs big bucks. The classes relieved the tensions that I felt from being stuck in a job that stifles creativity, but because the job does not pay well, I am stuck in a catch-22. I wish to pursue creative ventures to stop the feelings of being stagnated by a low paying job, but cannot do so because the ventures cost money that cannot be paid for because I work a low paying job.

I had hoped, with the raise, to start taking more voice-over and acting classes, but am stymied because it has not come to fruition. I now have headaches that I know come about because of my frustration with my financial situation and its control it has over my creativity and that creativity's potential to make more money on my terms. So, I must look for ways to make more money. And I must look for ways to re-work the money that I already make. I must hope the raise that I get is enough to cease monetary anxiety. I must re-vamp my budget, and look at where I can cut corners. I must re-assess my financial priorities as I have to get back to what makes me happy. What makes me happy costs money. Taking classes makes me happy. And hopefully if I master these classes I will find new employment that will showcase all I have learned from these classes, and allow for a creative outlet coupled with a new occupation. I look forward to the future. I just hope it has less stress.