Suicide

In news reports today:

On Wednesday, Alvarez parked his Jeep Cherokee on railroad tracks in Glendale as a commuter train approached shortly after 6 a.m., police said. Initially, Alvarez intended to commit suicide, police said, but he changed his mind. He exited his sport utility vehicle and watched as the Metrolink train hit it, derailed, ran into a northbound Metrolink commuter train and crashed into a parked Union Pacific train, police said.

What makes a person feel so low that the person not only wants to kill themselves, but take others with them? Have not all of us, at times in our lives, felt so blue that we thought the feelings would never end? It is known that some take the precarious steps, the precipitous steps, of ending the blue by killing themselves; ending the period of their lives that they deem unbearable by choosing what some would say is the easy way out: death by one's own hand. It is understandable that one would want to end the pain that they deem unbearable but all would hope other measures besides suicide would be utilized. Tomorrow always offers new opportunities. The morning always brings forth a new perspective. So why not wait it out? The pain can be surmounted and the journey in doing so can be dreadful, but the alternative to that journey, taking one's life, seems selfish. The work of life is not always joyful, but sometimes measured in pain. This triumph of dealing with life issues effects us all. and does so at the most inopportune time, but these and all triumphs are worth the effort. And we get through these times, hopefully, with grace. These ways of dealing with issues are easier said than done, but are do-able. And those days will pass, but can only happen with the patience of knowing that life's moments of abyss will dissolve into a new day and perhaps a brighter day.

What must the pain have been like to to propel someone to park an SUV on busy train tracks knowing of the ensuing tragedy that would befall the occupant and those of the undoubtedly coming trains? It is frightening to think about. Or perhaps that pain was not frightening, but the sufferer, not having or wanting to have the ability to deal with pain, thought it unbearable to live with, and took the measure of suicide and taking innocent victims with him? One can never mitigate another's pain as it is not their reality, but only the reality of the sufferer. But everyone has had days of despair and can find methods of coping and honing of abilities to help get through them. These methods and abilities come with practice and are not easily developed. One can only wonder if what happened recently is a sign of a person who didn't have, and most disturbingly, did not work at having and developing mechanisims to get him through the dark days? Peace and serenity are within us all inherently and the stresses of the outside world sometimes overcome what we are as individuals. The stresses make us on edge and irritable and we must fight to re-gain that composure that is within us. To let it, stress, implode within is unacceptable to society as a whole who inevitably, either indirectly or directly, become victimized by the implosion within an individual that results in/attempts suicide.

This recent tragedy exemplifies a person's inability to deal with the stresses of life adequately and the implosion of such. The ungracefullness with which this young man handled his problems has effected so many who were on a commute of their daily lives, and thus were in the midst of doing their work of life for that day. They got up in the morning and were at peace with whatever issues they may have had only to have someone else's issues impinge upon and change their lives. And now, another journey unfolds before them as the stress of dealing with the aftermath of a tragedy will weigh on them. Hopefully they will handle this stress it with grace.

Happy but not satisfied

Life is good for me right now. There is no drama. There are nor pressing financial matters nor anything that lies in my subconscious that is upsetting as I have made peace with many of the issues that have presented themselves in my life. So there is no stress. There is no fuss. Children are happy and healthy. My relationship with my significant other is as healthy as it will ever be. And that is good. Things over all are good. But I am restless. Though I am happy with my life as it stands, now, I want so much more than life is giving me, now. So I am planning and strategizing my pursuits of things that will make me happy. Voice-over lessons are crucial for me to get that feeling of being satiated. I must get the creative part of me moving and doing things that feel like progress. Planning my summer vacation must get underway to satisfy my wanderlust. I want to do the things that make the "me" that is separate from my family and my employment and what people expect me to be.

I am not only a mother, a wife, a worker. These are the things everyone expects me to be, and I am comfortable with those roles. But I am much more than what I am deemed by some who know me and others who think they know me. I define myself and though others' definition of me don't correlate with my definition of what and who I am, I must not settle into the patterns of definition people try to establish for me, but acquiesce for moments into the roles they wish for me to play. I will be the worker because I need to earn money. I will be the mother, a role I embrace the most, lovingly, as it is a role that reciprocates and feeds me love, and I will be a significant other as this role is one I want and seek. These roles are roles that have the input of others who draw the lines, along with me, that define these roles. But it is important that I have one role that only I define. I must not forget to define the "me" that is soley my responsibility. This role is outside of all the roles society and family expect of me. It is a role, a definition of "me", that only I can bring forth. Only I can do the things that I know will make me happy and bring to fruition all that makes me "me". No one else can do that because no one else can truly know all that I want. I seek things that express my creativity and thus help me to be "me", and am frustrated when my other roles (though I am accepting of them) sometimes get in the way of that happening. I must take time to establish a process that allows me to be "me".

I love the process of getting "me" together though it can be scary at times. I feel as though there is a purpose for the struggle that is life: I feel alive and that life is worth living. The defining of "me" is hard and I must get to work. I have much to do.

Opined

At my place of employment lurks many dregs of society and it pains me to be among them. A worker from another department came in at the beginning of a shift and announced loudly after hanging his coat how he was going to go about getting "rid" of a co-worker, his superior, because that person was getting on his nerves. This person who blurted this statement has bumped heads with me when I was his direct supervisor. I always thought he was getting the "boys" together to come at me in attack mode under the premise I was unable to supervise he and his co-hurts because of lack of intelligence. I undoubtedly, in their minds, got the position as a fluke and he prodded those who thought the same to gang up on me and prove me incapable publicly. Often when supervising and needing to correct the many things he did wrong he would become loud and argue that I was wrong. I twice had to tell him to lower his voice as it was disrespectful and unacceptable. I would then continue with the explicit explanation of why he was wrong. His face often turned red during these types of encounters.

And so to hear him so boldly say to his co-workers that he was putting together a witch hunt and was essentially asking for participants, I was saddened to the core because it brought back memories of what he did to me. Also the statement helped me to know my thoughts were not paranoid internal rantings of mine but of an instinctual knowing and trusting that this guy, back in the day, was coming for me and had people he lined up via his vitriolic diatribes of hate to try to get me on the unemployment line. It was a chilling moment in that he stated it plainly and shamelessly and three others ran to him to strategize about the measures they would need to take to eliminate the presence of this targeted person from their existence.

The moment exemplified all that I fear about people, that individually they often can not act out hateful thoughts but simply think them, but when a leader of hate comes forth and utilizes leadership skills, s/he can whip the momentum of hate into swirls that solidify the hateful thinking individuals into a group comfortable only when in numbers to form a posse of evil seeking to destroy. It is a frightening sight to see grown people plotting evil. I shook my head and hoped the target of their evil will have the instinctual ability to know people are coming for him.

I believe a challenge such as this is only undone with grace. Every element of evil in the work place can be undone with the putting out of good work, documented work. I was able to do so when this posse came for me as everything I did was done thoroughly and precisely, and I documented my efforts so that no lie or falsehood could trump those efforts. Every transgression was visited with my proof of work done and sometimes presented in a closed door office meeting (always with a witness) with said transgressor(s) with my implicit statements that they were wrong and should they be wrong again in their accusations of my inability to supervise they would be pulled in front of human resources as being insubordinate and I would seek their immediate termination. They were forewarned that fire would be met with fire. I was able to beat them back and they moved onto another target. I know I lost five years off of my life in fighting such people as stress changes me physically and the evil I witnessed that was/is directed at me depletes my faith in the kindness of people. I have become cynical as I have witnessed extremely hateful things.

As they move on to other targets I sigh with relief. No longer for that moment in time is it me that is being set upon. And I hope whomever is next can meet the challenge. I now hope the guy they are presently targeting can withstand what I know is coming for him.

Commitment

When you make a commitment to a significant other there is so often the feeling of the beginning of an endlessness. There are thoughts of growing old together. Loving each other through the good and the bad, through sickness and health. And, yes, there may be years of bliss and love filled moments, when things are easily achievable in the relationships as the newness of the relationship conquers any stresses. And then the issues become such that they seem they cannot be surmounted. There sometimes comes issues that love can't conquer. And with these issues comes the reality of a realtionship. Can it move forward through the times when there are problems not specific to the realtionship, but are specific to life? Sometimes the problems are of a fiduciary matter. How can a couple pay the bills when money is short because one of the partners doesn't make as much as the other? Problems at the job may have an ill effect on the relationship. Bringing work home by stressing about what has happened in the office may weigh on a relationship. Many things that happen in life can cause a shifting in a relationship that is healthy. The relationship is the same as when it began as the love is still there, but elements outside of the relationship, seep into its confines, shifting and influencing the relationship. This time, then, is the true test of the relationship.

Can the realtionship sustain rocky times? Many times relationships are fine and true and that can be forever, but when something, a life issue, happens, it is in that moment when the inevitable change can effect the relationship. It is then that more work has to be put into the relationship than expected. A job change means the other person has to decide to relocate with the other. A parent becomes sick and the significant other has to help with the caring of their in-law. All the changes happening outside of the relationship, that happen to the individuals that are in a relationship, ulitmately affect it. The other person has to decide to do the work that is involved with supporting their mate when that mate is dealing with issues outside of the realtionship. The persons in the relationships must then work harder at sustaining the love and respect of the relationship that is always there but ultimately shifts when life issues come forth.

Romantic committed relationships are the most rewarding of all relationships. They are the corner stone of society as they are the stabilizing entity of civilizations. From these relationship spring forth children, homes, communities, sustaining economies, etc. But all who enter them must know it is not only the good times, but the bad times and the work that has to come about to deal with them, that make the romance real. Romantic relationships shift and ebb like contents in a bowl. Though there are happenings outside of it, that make the contents shift, the contents of the relationship are still there. Work must always be done in relationship so that the contents don't dissapate.

What's going on?

I love the title of the song by Marvin Gaye. It is so literal. "What's going on?" And he proceeds to ask why are things happening in the world in such devastating ways. Of late there has been much happening in the world. Some happenings are inexplicable, but perhaps, totally explainable. It is known how tsunami's form and come into fruition, but why must it have been so devastating and have happened in an area for which there could not be ample forewarning. And because of this lack of communication we have such devastation. The pictures of the devastation the Tsunami brought forth remind me of how I felt when The World Trade incident happened. So much death and destruction during 9/11, but in relation to the devastation of the Tsunami, it cannot compare. But yet I feel the same way and ask the same question of myself. What is going on? Does this incident mean anything more than a terrible natural disaster? A disaster that seems so incomprehensible in the death that came about because of it.

But I know that some things cannot be explained and are better left to understand as an inexplicable happening. The happening of December 26, 2004 is one that will be felt by many as an awakening as to how easily an existence can be removed from the realm of life. The incredible loss of people because of this happening reinforces my resolve, again, to live life vivaciously for tomorrow is not promised.