Rage

I read somewhere that depression is rage turned inward. I sometimes am depressed and I am sometimes filled with rage. Both emotions scare me as they epitomize my being out of control. I'm neither often, but when I am I fear the end results of these emotions. Will I lash out at the ones that I love? Will I crawl into myself and fester in a slumber or darkness. I worry about what these emotions will manifest.

I am able to contain both emotions, when they occur, so that they don't impact on anything or anyone other than myself. I have sought counseling when I was much younger to deal with these emotions and from my sessions of counseling have developed coping mechanism that allow me not to act in ways that are destructive. The coping mechanism allow me to understand that often things are not as bad as they seem, and should they be, they are surmount. I do not have to act enraged or turn that rage inward, turning it into depression.

I rage when I feel if I've been disrespect. As an African-American Woman living in a society that sees me automatically as inferior acts of disrespect happen daily. There are stupid comments based on assumptions such as, "It must be hard raising three children by yourself," when I've been in a stable relationship with the father of my children, my husband, for 18 years. Or, "You're so well spoken," which, like the aforementioned, is a comment that reeks of racism. I tell myself that those that have uttered such comment of racism are inferior in their thinking, and in no way are their comments a reflection of me. Their comments relay their perception of me, and their perception of me is viewed through the prism of racism. That type of perception is based on inherent racism. I don't react with rage nor do I acknowledge the act of racism other than to sometimes say to the person making the statement that they are racist. Sometimes I will just sigh inwardly and note internally to stay away from the person as they have proven themselves to be toxic and unworthy of my presence. It is at such times that I have to choose if I will act with rage and perhaps scream or hit the person who has brought it out in me or not, and in not letting out the rage, allow it to travel inward which ultimately leads to depression. Or I can release it from my being, in ways I've learned in counseling, without verbal or physical violence and know that I have dealt with an ignorant person justly, and leave it at that. I often choose not to rage and release whatever hurt the person has conjured.

With time has come maturity in dealing with the rage. I can reflect and know that I can deal with rage as it is usually a manifestation of my dealing with a situation of ignorance. My wanting to control my rage is paramount to me subsisting in the world and appreciating all that it has to offer.