Adult Child-Parent Relationships

I have tried to be a good person and daughter to my mother, and it has been to no avail, as she has not reciprocated. It started getting to the point of my not wanting to speak to her about 4 years ago when I discovered that, when composing a message on her newly purchased and first answering machine, she stated that she had 3 mail boxes. One of the mailboxes was for her, the second for her family, and the third was for "the children". I am an only child and my mother lives alone, so upon calling her and hearing the message on the answering machine when she didn't pick up, I remembered during a conversation I had with her later that day to ask why would she put such a message on her machine when no one lived with her. She kind of blew me off. Later that year we attended a family reunion and things were nice, but I picked up a vibe that I was thought of as an errant child, a burden to my mother, and not deemed an adult. I had some questions asked of me that I thought somewhat inappropriate, such as how old was I and the age of my oldest child, as if the family member was trying to decipher if I had my oldest when I was a child. I answered the question, as it was a family member and I therefore thought the question an innocuous curiosity at the time, but when this family member looked at me with the wheels turning in his head as if he was trying to figure me out, I was a little perplexed. I also caught looks from distant family members who attended the family reunion who made certain to speak to me with incredulous tones and had looks of concentration on their faces. I was further perplexed when these distant family members seemed to be surprised by me and my children in our appearance and demeanor. It seemed as if they expected my children and myself to be downtrodden. My mother seemed uncomfortable when I was in a situation with her when we were talking to other family members in a happenstance way. I couldn't figure out why she seemed so uncomfortable.

Directly before this trip there were other incidents with my mother that had proven to equally perplexing as the aforementioned. I work at night and sometimes my mother would call bright and early (9:00 AM) during the week and bark out things on the phone to me as soon as I picked up the receiver, and did so without identifying herself nor saying the obligatory, "Hello". I often didn't recognize her because she would sound so angry and gruff. On one occasion I had spoken to her on the weekend and stated that I would be keeping my youngest home as he had a cold. The conversation that night was pleasant. She called the next day, from her job, 9:00 AM in the morning to my home and was yelling into the phone as soon as I picked it up the question, "Did you take the kids to school today!?" I first asked who it was as I did not recognize her voice because it was filled with self-righteousness and anger, and she identified herself by her nickname which I find juvenile. I stated to her that she must have forgotten that I was keeping my youngest home today as I had told her about it the night before. She replied in a gruff voice, "Well, that's not good, not good!" I was confused by her statements and asked her what she meant by that, and she said something unintelligible and said she would call me later. There were other phone calls like that until I got an understanding of what she was doing. And what she was doing was playing to the audience that was/is her co-workers. It became obvious to me that she wanted them to hear her end of the conversations and in doing so, wanted them to think she had to call me to wake me up to make certain that I took my children to school. To act like she didn't know one child was sick, and thus, act surprised he was home, sounded like she was scolding a child of hers who was acting irresponsibly towards her grandchildren specifically, and towards her also, as she was supporting them financially and otherwise. Meanwhile, I am on the other line confused as to why she is making statements that don't correlate to what I am saying and what was told to her the previous night. Only after hearing from a relative after the family reunion did I further understand that the way she would speak to me during phone calls from her job to my home shows that she told the same lie she told to my family members to persons on her job. The lie that I lived with her, and she had to support my children and I. And to validate this lie she made calls to me that were charades that made it seem she was trying to make me take my children to school.

When we arrived home from the family reunion, I put the thoughts of apprehension behind me and forgot about them. I, some months later, then discovered that family members had been told by my mother that my children and I lived with her in her apartment, and she was supporting me and my children as I did not have a job. She also alluded to them that I had a drug habit, thus the reason why I lived with her, thus the answering machine message. To say the least I was floored by this. I had put up with a lot of nonsense from my mother since I started speaking to her at the age of 21 after 6 years of silence in order to let bygones be bygones, and had hoped her alcoholism and drug abuse had ceased or at least decreased in such a way that she would not pull many of the means stunts that propelled me out of her house and life at the age of 16. But alas, here comes a blow that was almost unforgivable. I detest drugs and what they do to a person and the family members that will always ultimately be affected. I have been on my own since I was 16 years old, and am proud to say I have traveled the world, gotten an Ivy League education, and brought a home at the age of 19 years old in preparation of starting a family and began that family at 21 with a man that I am still with to this day. We have three children and do our best to support them and ourselves in a dignified manner, and have done so with no regrets. So for my mother to say this about me when I have accomplished so much in my life despite all that she did to me as a child that could have hindered me in doing so, is mind boggling. And to make such lies that are further from the truth and parade me around other family members, some of whom looked at me with incredulous eyes, some with pity in their eyes, and some with nasty glares, makes me know that something is definitely wrong with my mother on a mental level.

I don't allow her in my home and I often don't pick up the phone when she calls. I finally got Caller ID because of my wanting to avoid my mother. What is strange about the situation is that she is loved by my youngest children. She has shown them love that I have personally witnessed, and they have reciprocated to her. My oldest has never vibed with her from a young age and has called her out on some of her rude behavior towards me, and does not go out of his way to deal with her. The youngest two often seem to have not been aware of some of her nasty antics towards others and/or are just persons who let bygones be bygones. My daughter, my middle child, is old enough that should anything happen while my mother takes them on local excursions, like to the mall or to movies, she can walk away with her brother in tow, and that her parents are a cell phone call away. So I will try not to deny them what my mother seems incapable of giving me.

I wonder often what will happen when my mother is older. Will I want to deal with her should she become incapacitated because of age? Will I want to deal with the issue of hospital or funeral arrangements when she gets ill and/or dies? But then I think she is only 14 years older than me, and with the luck of people like her, she will probably out live me. I know that I must do for me when it comes to the issue of my mother. She has done something that is inconceivable and does not deserve a moments thought as it is too sick to contemplate, and as such, I must protect myself, and the way to do so is to have minimal exposure to her. This pathway I have taken to deal with my mother has worked well as she has become aware that I will not put up with her nonsense. I told her that I knew of her lies to family members and virtual strangers about me, and of course, she denied it. When I mentioned the things that made it clear to me that she told these lies, such as the answering machine, she just brushed them aside. I didn't argue further. I just effectively distanced myself from her, and did so much so that when receiving nasty phone calls from her, I have hung up in her ear. This has happened so much so that she is very respectful and careful when she is on the phone with me from the beginning of the conversation to the end as she knows she will hear a thunderous click in her ear if she acts otherwise.

I can't change my mother, but I can change how I allow her to treat me. The process is well underway, and I am pleased with its results. But it doesn't soften the knowing that the person who gave birth to me told such lies and did so to make herself look like a martyr. I have to accept that she is and will never be able to accept the greatness that is me and will try to mitigate it at every turn.